In 2013 the definition of who I was began to crumble. It started slowly on my 34th birthday and by the following year, I felt shattered, confused, depressed and burdened by the life I had unintentionally created. I remember telling a friend that it felt as though I was standing on the edge of a cliff and that as soon I was able to see what was at the bottom of the cliff I’d have the courage to jump.

My adrenals were taxed from overworking, I no longer felt I had a sense of who I was, I had alienated several friends, how I defined and understood my sexuality was flipped on its side and I was, for the most part, in a perpetual state of fight or flight.

In 2014 I began working with a personal development coach who re-introduced me to meditation (something I’d studied and practiced at 17), shared with me the power of journaling and the value of moving away from the outer world and trusting the inner world. The foundation of my current ritual and ceremonial practices were built under her guidance.

At the end of our time together I had begun to tap more and more into my intuition, which was not something I had ever paid attention to and certainly rarely noticed. Of course, when I look back on moments in my life now, I can see when I trusted my intuition and when I chose to go against my instincts - the latter often leading to pain and hard lessons.

Toward the end of our time together, my coach shared how she had sung to Alanis Morissette’s song ‘Everything’ while standing in front of the mirror gifting herself the power of the words. She encouraged me to listen to the lyrics as an offering to the path I’d stepped onto.

A few days later after a heart-wrenching break with a close friend, two sweet friends came over to console me. Seemingly out of nowhere, one of my friend’s shared with me how much he loved the song ‘Everything’ and how it was one of his anchors when he too had split with someone he loved. My jaw dropped. I was noticing. This was followed by the other friend sharing that in the late 90’s he’d been living on his family farm and through a series of events, Alanis Morissette had decided to visit for a few weeks. She’d just returned from India and was trying to escape the media circus surrounding her return. During that month-long stay on a farm in Saskatchewan, Alanis wrote ‘Thank U’.

Upon listening to the lyrics, the following lines spoke directly to my heart: 'the moment I let go of it was the moment I got more than I could handle, the moment I jumped off of it was the moment I touched down’. Remembering that warm night on my balcony brings up emotion as I can see it was a turning point in my life. A reminder that it’s often small interactions or messages instead of the big moments.

I began to use those lines like a mantra working to release and let go of all the ways of being that I had been trying to fit into. What I learned from that first experience with a coach and through this song is that the pleasure is not in the landing, but in the fall. We jump from airplanes, diving boards, or docks for the pure pleasure, surrender, and joy of that minuscule moment of freedom, weightlessness.

So, I allowed myself to jump, to enjoy the falling, to surrender to the universe. It led to a sweet relationship, life-long friendships, the courage to leave the corporate world and so much more.

A couple of weeks ago, one of my colleagues in a business group posted the song ‘Thank U’. It caught me off guard, followed by a wave of emotion and deep, deep gratitude. It’s been nearly 5 years since I worked with that first coach. It feels like a decade. Everything in my life has changed. Everything.

So, in the wise words of this modern day sound healer, I leave you with this; ‘You see everything. You see every part. You see all light and you love my dark. You dig everything of which I’m ashamed there’s not anything to which you can’t relate. And you’re still here.’

Listen to ‘Everything’.
Listen to ‘Thank U’.